Fern & Oak


What Do I Really Want?

Well, I've had a pretty busy day! At the weekends I love to just lie in bed for at least an hour and read, browse stuff on my phone and slowly ease into the weekend but today I made myself get up and out pretty quickly. I've spent the entire day de-cluttering my studio, and now I'm worn out but feeling great. I cleared out a huge bin bag for recycling and a smaller one for rubbish and went through a lot of papers. Turns out I'm quite the hoarder.

Before I started art journalling, I used to keep notebooks and journal in them. Random and wonderfully eclectic scrappy notepads full of shopping lists, tasks, planning and diary entries as well as some poetry and doodles. I spent quite a while reading through them, getting lost in nostalgia. I also found my first ever art journal and was gobsmacked at how much I've grown over the past years not only in artistic skill, but in sharing my thoughts more openly with myself (and now you) on the page. It felt soothing to read back through entries and look fondly upon old drawings, that at the time I was so proud of creating.

Anyway, I'm not completely done de-cluttering my studio but I've made huge headway and I'm happy with it for now. There's still a fair few boxes of stuff I need to go through but on the surface, my studio is much much more organised and the tidiness is very much pleasing me right now! Onto today's journal topic - what do I really want?

The short answer - I don't know.

The longer answer - something *more*.

Over the past year I've felt a quiet murmur within myself. Nothing dramatic, nothing too overwhelming, just a little part of me that started to whisper, "is this it?"

I guess I could call it my seed of discontent.

That seed took root deep inside of me, and it's starting to sprout. Don't get me wrong, I am happy. I have a good life. A good job, a wonderful love and a comfortable home. But there's something that isn't quite hitting the spot. I've started exploring this more, and I am starting to realise that I'm not completely fulfilled.

My initial reaction is, wow. I'm so selfish. There are countless people in way worse situations than me who are suffering real suffers out there. And here I am thinking "I want more". But, it's not more stuff that I want - in fact, I want less stuff! Hence the focus on de-cluttering... But I also don't feel like if today was my last day on this Earth, I'd be able to truthfully leave this plane feeling... Well, feeling fulfilled. Maybe that is selfish of me, but I can't help how I feel.

And with that feeling brings up the big, scary, deep question of, well, what is it that will help me feel fulfilled? And I think really, that is what I want. But as to how to get there and what that looks like? It doesn't seem like my seed of discontent is ready to share that with me yet!

I don't believe in fate, for me that takes away our freedom of choice, and I also don't believe that if you wish for something, it comes true. You have to work for stuff and put in effort. And sweat. And feeling. For dreams to come true, you can't make a wish on a star; you have to work for it. And turns out, that work is super hard! Especially if you are not quite sure what you are working towards!

But, I do have faith that we're all here for a reason and a purpose, and I'm willing to bet that if I do the work, I'll get to where I am meant to be in the end.

So, I'm doing the work the best way I know how. I'm spending time journalling, exploring, creating, meditating, contemplating. All the good things that I know nourish me and keep my well full. I'm not perfect (wahey, who is?!) so I've been stumbling and slipping on the way. But getting up and carrying on, and doing the work is what counts, right? So as my seed of discontent sprouts and flowers, so will I. I will do the work to find out what it is that I really want, and I will grow and change and blossom along the way to fullfil that, and to fulfill me.

I am blogging everyday in September, inspired by Effy Wild of www.effywild.com who is doing the same! Please check out her blog - she's awesome! And if you want to join in too, do leave a link to your blog in the comments and we can read along with each other :-)